isn't it funny

well, i guess ive been doing so bad at this lately that i'm trying to make up for it now, or maybe i'm just that bored.

it's funny to me to this about when people actually feel like their life is beginning. is it when you graduate high school, get a real job, get married, whats the answer. i'm not writing this as though i have one...i'm actually trying to figure out what it is. why is it that we are always looking for something new to happen or to get to the next thing before we are satisfied or feel like we are grown up? what about the actual process of growing.

the whole time that i was at n.ga, my mom kept saying that she couldn't wait for me to grow up...but what does that mean exactly...b/c i feel like i learned more about myself and life during that time then any other part. and guess what...now i'm done with college and i still don't feel like i am "grown" i mean i am just now getting started in a job and still not making any money or being able to afford living on my own...so what does that make me? still a kid?

so what makes you grown? is it age or life experience?

Adventures of my prince charming.

So, for my birthday this year, my sweet angel boyfriend got me a puppy. His name is Pablo, and I am totally and completely obssessed with him!! Oh my gosh.

I always wanted a dog. You know, one that you can hold and carry around in your purse and snuggle on the couch with and things of that nature...little did I know what I was really in store for. This little man is the love of my life...but a holy terror!! wow

Problem number one has been potty training. I think its nothing short of impossible. At first we were trying to pad trian him but after he was totally not getting it and peeing EVERYWHERE!! We decided that it would probably be better to let him pee outside. That was until we are the ones having to take him outside and its SNOWING, haha I would rather him pee in the house. And even when he does go outside...in like two seconds he still will poop inside, so if any one has any insite to this problem, it would be sooo greatly appreciated!

But other then this, he is a precious little angel and I don't remember where my life was without him.

Yesterday he got kicked out of wal-mart. more to come on that later :)

XOXO

Changing lives.

Life changes so quickly. There are so many things that I had planned on when I started this blog this time last year. Friends change, families change, even enemies change.

I am almost done with cosmetology school now, only one more 10 week session and I will be out and taking the test to have my liscense. I actually never thought I would be done with school, this is a 7 year stretch. I have the best job in the world at an amazing salon in Buford and I am slowly but surely gaining a clientel...very slowly. I know God with be faithful though and this is where I feel that I am supposed to be. I have so many amazing things in my life to be thankful for. I have the most amazing man in my life. I have never seen someone that loves Jesus more in my life. I can tell the devil is strongly working in my life sometimes when it comes to our relationship... Sometimes it drives me crazy with how much he wants to talk about God and things like that. Its what I have always wanted... and nowwww I just know the devil is doing everything in his power to take control of this situation.

However, in the friends department, I definately seem to be lacking. Maybe that is how God wants it. I am trying to steer clear of the alcohol and the weed and things of that nature. I am really doing well when its just matt and i, but the friends that I have seem to only want to do that. I don't want to act like I am better then them, or that I am condiming them but I just know that if I am around things like that then I"m not going to be able to say no like that. It won't be easy so I just don't want to put myself in that situation and they just don't understand. I would rather just hang out with them and do things like just the girls or even just watch a movie or something but I don't wnat to do anything with alcohol or anything like that. I know I'm not perfect but It just makes it harder when everyone else is doing things that I am trying not to do.

Life is just full of changes and sometimes you realize what you are all about as a person when things are the worst that they could possibly get. I want 2011 to be another year of change for me. I want to God to reveal things to me that I never would have imagined.

This could be amazing <3>

Next uppppp....The stories of the babyyyy

Real Life Lived

How can you really have a real life if you are confused about the will of God within you. The only time that you will really be able to live a real life is when you know that you are following the plan that God has for you. He has already planned out your life, that is the only way that you are going to be satisfied and genuinely happy...when you are living the one that has already been planned.

Lately I have been struggling with knowing that I am at the center of Gods will. I sometimes feel that I can't hear him, and have often been scared that He has just given up on me all together. But in my readings today, he has reassured me that He is always there for the people that honestly seek him. (Deut. 4:29 From there you will search again for the Lord your God. And if you search of him with all your heart and soul, you will find him.) But the main question that I have been plagued with lately is...Am I listening for what I want to hear, or am I really listening for his will? Am I honestly seeking him?

Of course, as humans, we want to know that the things that we want or are seeking are good and ok. I want to know that what I am going to school for is part of his plan for me, and that the man that I'm dating is who he has for me...things of that nature. But what if he says no. Are we really willing to give up our job, or security, our mate and say ok God-take me, start over in my and make me a new creation in you. I feel like we don't really grasp the concept of that change that would take place. We would have to be like the deciples. What if God came to you and said do this- leave where you are, don't take the time to say goodbye to anyone, don't go pack, don't fill up your car with gas, in fact don't even take your car... just follow my instructions and GO. Leave everything you know behind and FOLLOW ME. Would we really be willing to do that.

The honest truth about it is most of us-including myself-would probably argue about it. Try to negotiate our own ways into the situation. And the beauty of God is that He would let that happen...But then you would not be living the most fufilling life that is possible for you. You would be changing it into your way with your own spices added in. The trick is saying-OK God- I know that your way is best. I relenquish ALL control of my situation and my life and I give up anything that I want for my life to follow your will. To be able to live my BEST life.

Personally, I want to seek God new everyday. I want to know what he wants for me and my future, but I also want to be able to follow it when I see it. We all know that Gods way is best, but its not always the easiest. My prayer today is for myself as well as you. Start over- begin today to die to yourself and your own selfish desires and want Gods over your own.

Lord- my prayer today is to hear

your will for me. I give up my

own selfish hopes and desires

to surrender to your perfect

plan for my life!

Galatians 2:20 "I have been crucified with Christ: the life I now live is not my life, but the life which Christ lives in me; and my present bodily life is lived by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."

Deserving

What do we as people think that we actually deserve? Out of life, love, circumstances...GOD? Why in that world do we think that we deserve anything? Compared to God and many other things for that matter, we as people are nothing. It doesn't really matter how much or how little we have to offer, none of it even matters in comparison. I find my self wanting things and asking God for things, I get frustrated like a little kid when I don't get an answer-and especially when his answer is no. But why do I even think I deserve an answer at all.

I know so many times in my life that I have just basically slapped God in the face. My body is supposed to be a temple that he lives in...and what I have given him is a run down shack. actually probably a few pieces of cardboard that I have put together so he can cover up his head. I can't even give him a descent place to dwell and I expect him to help me with things and provide for my life. WHAT?!!

I even need help loving him more. I want to start a fire. I want to be passionate about the time that I spend with him every day-like not be able wait to wake up so I can talk to him. I find myself always wanting a man and to be in love and loved unconditionally...I have that with God! I just chose not to think that it is enough. We could have such a love affair with Him if we just chose to. He is ALWAYS there, so we would never have to be lonely, He would never ignore our phone call, He could provide anything that we need, hold us when we go to sleep, be there to talk to about absolutely anything. We just have to let that be enough.

This is what I need to learn. He is all that I need. Until this is the way that I am living, I do not even derserve for him to know my name. He did so much for me before I even claimed him as my father and now that I do, I still act like he is not enough.

My prayer today Lord is to change me (once again I am asking for something) Change my heart God and even the way that I think. I shouldn't drink or put things in my body that are harmful and the only reason that I need is that its yours. Really it doesn't even belong to me! I wouldn't want people putting poison into the house that I live in. I would move out! Reveal something to be to tell me that you are still there. That you haven't given up on me yet, then set a fire in my heart and consume my soul.

Something blue:: Something new

Can you just become something new?

I want to change everything about what is going on with my life. I want to change everything from my wardrobe to my God time. I need to spend way more time with my God, maybe that is why I am having feelings like this. Why can I not just realize that he wants to spend every second of everyday with me and wants me to be so obsessed with him that its ridiculous. I know that I disappoint him everyday. I wine, I complain, I say things I shouldn't, I think mean thoughts, smoke, drink, don't apreciate...so many things that just need to change. I need to change my habits. I need to start taking my vitamins and getting up at a descent hour. Start working out consistantly and eating better and at better times.

I want to start a prayer journal and see if things really begin to look up in my life and how long it takes. I mean, don't get me wrong...my life is not that bad. It just could be better and that is alll on me. The only reason its not at it's best is becuase of the choices that I make. I would be skinnier and happier if I didn't drink and made time to workout and took my vitamins like I was supposed to. And I would spend more time with my God if I woke up earlier and got things done. I also have the best friends in the world that know that the decisions in my life right now aren't the best ones that I could be making. Doing things for guys just to get their attention and wanting to hang out and feel needed at any means nessesary. Thats ridiculous.

I am however proud of what I am doing with my life and it can only get better from here. I made pretty good grades in school this term. They could have been better, but they are the best that they have been in a while. And I love my job and have been doing really well there. I am growing and taking on responsibilities...hopefully that will mean more money on my next paychecks- bringing me to the next issue...

Saving money. I wet through all of my savings within the last few months of not making the best paycchecks. I was still living like I was making a ton of money and I definately wasn't. Which also left no room for my tithe. Another thing that I was taking away from God.

Soooo these are the things that need to be changed. Fixed. and Removed.

Good thing I have amazing faith in my God and his love :)

What is Grace?

What is GRACE really? You hear through God's word that you have been saved by grace, not of anything that you can do yourself. But what does this mean. Is it simply God's love? And how many forms of grace are there.



When I think of the word grace, the verse Ephesians 2:8 comes to mind. It was a very significant tatoo on someones arm and is a passage that has stuck with me over the last year. You can only come to the Father through his GRACE. But how many forms does that take? And how does God show His unwavering grace to us?



The definition that I have found of "GRACE" is 1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion. 2. A sense of fitness or 3. A temporary immunity or exemption.



So there are many ways that grace can be defined and seen in the world and in people. I feel like I am experiencing so much grace in my life right now through all of these way. There seems to be a beauty that cannot be explained in the people in my life and the shapes that situations are taking. Things are falling into place in a beautiful and effortless way. Thing are walking in, and out of my life and it is all happening as if I am in a dream. Sometimes I feel that I have no control over the way things are going, but then I look around and I don't really want to. I love that I feel that there is a higher power putting the puzzel of my life together just the way that he has it planned. I have learned from my mistakes and the times when I took the decision into my own hand, that it has turned out horribly and in no way that outcome that I had in my own mind. But when I know that the things at hand are out of my control and all I can do is sit back and watch my life unfold, there is an overwhelming sense of peace. This has been something extremly hard for me to learn, not only with life experiences but with guys, family, and probably every other aspect as well. But God has never ceased to show me the right way. And that his amazing grace is the only way that things will pull themselves together.



I also feel the grace through my friends and relationships that I have made. Being single is something that I have never really experienced until this last year. I was (yes that girl) that always had the boyfriend or the relationship and was always looking for the way to feel like I "belonged" and that usually had to mean to someone. God has shown me many things over this last year of being completely on my own though. 1. Friends are his gift to us. They show us and teach us things and give us advice that no other person in our life can do. You can have experiences with them that far outweigh anything that you could do with just one significant other. You can get a look into an intamate side of other peoples lives. 2. Everything (I mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING) happens for a reason. There is nothing in your life that doesn't teach you something, whether it be good or bad, you will learn from it. You learn who your friends are, you learn how to let go, you learn who will be there for you and how to be there for others, you learn how to be alone and be ok with who you are, and you learn how to move on. Sometimes you can feel like everything is going your way and nothing could be wrong with this...then the rug is pulled out from under you, maybe this is God saying you are ready for the hardwood floor :) You never know, things might come back around and be better then you could have ever dreamed about.



The last and most important from these definitions that I have found are the temporary immunity or exemption that God shows us. What in the world would we do if God judged us for every little thing that we did wrong. Our lives would be a constant termoil. He shows us this through our friends too, and our parents. There are times I know that I have hurt someones feelings or done something for myself not thinking of how it was going to make others feel. This are times when I have experiencd grace and forgivness. Just living life everyday for examply. The bible says that the penalty for our sins should be death. I would have been dead and age 1 when I told my mom that she couldn't tell me what to do..(not much has changed) But God took these penalties away from me and gave me life, to show his grace to me.



Through His GRACE, he gave us life, a life all our own. There is nothing the same about any of us and we are all here to learn from each other and help each other, to love to laugh, to teach, to preach, to open doors for ourselves and others and sometimes close them so that other ones can be opened for us. We should live each day thinking about the GRACE that we have been given and that we can give to others.



Forgive people. Love people. Change people



XO-C

lonnnggg time

Whoa, so much has happend since the last time I wrote. You think that you have everything figured out then it all falls apart again and you're right back to where we started.

Once again, it has to do mostly with a guy. I met someone new. And of course he seemed like the perfect little prince charming. But of course, all good things will definately come to an end. He seemed so amazing. And everything was wonderful, soooo we hung out, alot and then he asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend. Then he put it on facebook, it takes me four days to accept the facebook request. So that lasts about a week, then i asked him how things were because he seemed so weird, and he was like, no acutally I don't think that I want this. Soooo that didn't last long. And once again, I'm stuck wondering what in the world did I do. Then of course facebook is the devil. I get on there like every 5 seconds to see what he is doing and all those other stupid girls that he is talking to. Totally not healthy but what can you do.

So back to square one and where to go from here. i have a great job, and I'm back in school for hair. Which I absolutely LOVE! my job right now i'm only getting to stay at the front desk, but its still the atmosphere and thats pretty great. And I have the most amazing friends in the world. Heather is always there for me, and we are about to go to the beach for a few days, just the girlfriends. So that will be so fun. But I am still just wondering what in the world I am going to do. What is it that I keep doing wrong. I just dont get it. I didn't call him all the time, I didn't try and make him do all kinds of crazy things or try and make him hang out with me all the time, and still...I wasn't what he wanted.

When am I gonna get to be what someone wants?

Night Of Worship

Tonight was the Night of Worship at Blackshear Place and it was probably one of the most amazing thing that I have ever gotten to be a part of. Being as how I am musically inclined anyway, that is definately my favorite way to interact with my Lord! So tonight was soo moving. It definately brought me to tears mulitple times. There was a few songs that they like to add slides to up on the screans and most of them were of God and his cross and you could just see the pain and sorrow in his face. It is so un-imaginable to me that someone could do that for people. Like people he didn't even know. He died to save us. I know that it is something that most people, christian and non alike, have hear millions of times. But to really think about eactly what happend on that day. He knew that we would hurt him and betray him and ignor him and do our own thing most of the time, that we would lie and cheat and do irresponsible things and yet he still said, I love you enough to die for you. I could go on about this for days. God is so beyond amazing.

New Me :)

I started my new job on Tuesday! And I love love love love love it!!!! Seriously to the point that I was off today and it kind of made me sad.

I have kind of always felt like the black sheep in my family. My parents and sister have a very strict path that they want to follow. My dad knew what he wanted to do in middle school, and my mom didn't know exactly what she wanted, but knew that there was only one way to start and that was to go to college. My sister is the same way, she has changed her mind about her career, but not going to actual college was never an option. Me on the other hand...Like to think of myself as a free spirit. ha. I never wanted to go to college and I definately didn't want to be a teacher or a business woman or anything that required just sitting behind a desk. But with two parents that are in education, not going to school wasn't an option for me. So I feel like I definately wasted 4 years of my life at N. Ga. Once they started to see this however, I finally got my way. Under their very weary eye I might add.

They don't really understand and they think that I am just playing and wasting my life, but I have never been so excited about something in my entire life. I went to orientation on Tuesday and got all of my classes. And in the same day, I started my new job at Kathy Adams Salon. I think that one pretty much goes down as the best day of my life so far. I stil can't get over how awesome it is and how excited I am about finally starting my career in exactly what I want to do. Now all I have to do is keep hoping that my parents will learn to take me seriously.

I do want to do this to have fun, but I want to do it for other people as well. I mean serisouly, how amazing do you feel when you leave the salon? You feel like a new you. I want to do that for people. And use my creative mind to do it.

Sooooo- Here's to a new chapter...and a new me :)

Getting Started

In my last post I was talking about how uncertain things have been lately. I have had so many pressures from my parents and friends to grow up and to make "big girl" decisions. Little did they know, you cant really make decisions when there is really no where for you to go. I have been unemployed for a little over a month now, but that doesn't mean that I haven't been filling out applications, and I have done all of my stuff to start school, but I can't really tell the school when to start classes. haha! So basically, I have been stuck in a spot that wasn't going anywhere and all I could do was pray about it and ask God when his time would be right.

Welllllll, good news! My prayers have been answerd. I got a job today! And not only is it a job, it is my dream job with so much room for me to grow! Its at Kathy Adam Salon across from the Mall of Ga and I get to start TOMORROW!! How great is that?! And on top of all of this, my orientation for cosmetology school is tomorrow so I will know when my schedule is and how everything is going to be going.

I really have never been so excited about something in my life. I finally have some direction and how things are going to be able to work out. It has been so frustrating lately going from the freedom of college and being on my own, kinda doing my own thing and then being 23 and moving back home with no job and not going to school. Definately something that makes you feel unproductive and worthless. But things are dfinately starting to look up. I am so excited about my new beginning.

There is only one thing that is still a little depressing. I just really wish my parents would take my future goals in life seriously. They always think that I am just playing around and that all want to do is be artistic and not serisouly pursue a career. But actually that is exactly what I want to do. I want a serious career in my artistic field doing exactly what I want to do. So thats why I'm going to do.

Start a new beginning.

Change of Mind

Change of mind=Change of attitude/situation..

These are words that were just spoken to me by someone that I think is a very wise person. There are just times that simple little words, probably even ones that you have heard so many times can really change the way that you think about your situations. Sometime, all you have to do is just change you mind. Change the way that you think. It doesn't always have to be about changing your whole life, or moving, or getting out of your comfort zone even. It could simply be just changing the way you think. You can just change what you want.

My life has change drastically in the last year. Sometimes I don't even know how to put it all together. I mean, I was always the girl that loved life. I was the one that was surrounded by friends, always in the middle of the drama but had the boyfriend to fall back on so it didn't matter. I was in school, only doing it because thats why my parents wanted, but they were happy so life was good. I thought I had it all together. The main problem was though, that the relationships that I was surrounding myself with were artificial ones and I definately was the farthest away from being in the center of Gods will that I could possibly be. I was living for the moment, I just wanted to guy, and the friends and the beer or whatever drink someone was willing to buy for me and give me some attention. And all within a month, I canged everything. I decided that college wasn't the thing for me...so I moved home. All within that same time, my relationship ended, and I moved away from my friends (the ones that I had been closest to for the last 4 years anyway) and I was not in school...so I wasn't exactly on the top of my parents happy list. I went from having two jobs to none at all. And with that happening, the money that I had never ever hurt for was definatly dwindling. (Right now I am living off of the gift cards that my mom gave me for Christmas. Hmmm)

So now that I am feeling like I am at the very bottom of where I could go. I just decided to CHANGE MY MIND. I am not in a bad place right now, I am simply in a crossroads.

I decided that I was going to apply for cosmetology school. Which I just got into. Because that is the only that I have always had my heart set on doing. And I just got a call for a job interview at a salon around the Mall of Georgia. Things are starting to look up. I have definately made some new friends.::that I would like to say are better (fit) for me.:: And I have started reading trhough the new testimate in the Bible...b/c that is ultimately the only place that you are going to find what Gods will even is. You can't begin the be in the center if you don't even know what you are looking for.

So CHANGE-

Changing my friends, my school, my take on relationships...even my HAIR. (yup, I'm a brunette)

Where is it gonna go?! ((Fear is just a word))

Present? Future?

Here lately I have been feeling unbelievably lost. I know I am a christian...but do you ever question it?? I feel like I ask God over and over again to lead me in his path and for all the direction that he has to offer, but I still feel like I get nowhere. It's also like everytime I try new things...It is only showing me what I do not want to do.

I was a substitute for the first time today, and like I stated earlier, all it did was show me that I DO NOT want to be a teacher. I mean granted I was teaching a BD class with the wildest and most high strung kids that I have ever met, but dealing with young kids and trying to make the cooporate just really isn't my thing. I am definately not a patient person. AT ALL. But I have been out of a job for almost two months now and I have NO money to do anything, even put gas in my car so you gotta go whatever comes along.

I have had a few interviews with Old Navy lately and that seems like it is going to work out, But I just really don't know if that is the place for me. Nothing against them at all but I just don't know that I could be that excited about Old Navy clothes or selling those little credit card things. Along with that, I have started going to the gym soo much lately and I feel like I am doing nothing but getting bigger. Which is extremely frustrating and makes me not want to even go to the gym at all. grrrr.This is just not working out so great for me.

I am not meaning this to sound at all like I am throwing a pity party for myself. I just need some direction, and I dont' know where to find it. Being jobless leads to definately not feeling very productive throughout the day. And not to mention that everytime I turn around I feel like one of my friends is getting married or engaged or in a relationship and I can't seem to find a decent guy to save my life. Everyone that I have been hooked up with lately are only wanting to hang out, drink, and not looking for anything serious. Its pretty much getting a little old.

So the just of this would be the things that I am looking for...
1) Direction/ a job
2) results from my ridiculous workouts
3) Descent people in my life ie. friends, boys

Sooooo guess I'll keep you posted. Hmmmm

Philippians Chapter 2

The very first verse in Philippians 2 says, "Does you life in Christ give you strength? Does his love comfort you? Do we share together in the spirit? Do you have mercy and kindness?" What a great way to start anything that you are trying to make someone see clearly. Ask them questions, about their own lives and how they are living them. Especially simple ones like these. Not questions that you can complicate with tons of excuses or manipulative answers. Just simple ones like why are you not fully satisfied with God. This is one of my favorite chapters from any book in the bible...it asks you simple questions and then proceeds to tell you what to do with them.

It goes on to say that if you do have these things and if God is all of these things to you, then why are you not sharing them? vs 4 states that we should not be only interested in ourselves, if God's love does all of these things for us then we should be doing nothing but sharing this love and excitement with others! Our complete purpose in life is to love God and share that love with others.

I am not typing this saying that this is something that I am doing, but I would like to start. Things have been going on in my life recently as I sure they are for almost everyone else in the world...but these things make you only want to feel sorry for yourself . I don't understand why things have to happen, and why things can't just be fine and happy, or why you can't have second chances to fix things instead of losing everything all at once to where you feel like you whole life is falling apart. But in all honesty, nothing that we as humans can possibly go through compares to the thngs that Jesus went through to die for our lives. And talk about things not being fair...God literally did NOTHING wrong ever!!

So the fact that we have this love of God, why in the world would we not want to do things for other people and share that love with them no matter what could possibly be going on in our own lives. Think about how much we sometimes just need for someone to love us. How nice it would be for someone to just readch out their hands to us and let us know that they are there, well as many times as we would like that to happen for us, do it for someone else.
Phil. 2:8 "And when he was living as a nam, he humbled himself and was fully obedient to God, even when that caused his death-death on a cross." If God could do that for us. Why could we not be obedient to him with our whole lives. This is my challenge for myself and to everyone that I come in conatct with...GET EXCITED!

"If you have gotten anything at all from following Christ, if His love has made any difference in your life, if you have heart or care at all-then love and support each other...Put yourself aside and help others get ahead." ((Philippians 2:1-3))

What is your #1 Priority?

As Christians, what has God really put us on this earth for. I know that our main purpose is to be able to tell others about him and reach as many people as possible on the earth during our time for his kingdom. But when It comes to ourselves, how are we supposed to reach others and tell them about how we are supposed to be so changed by our heavenly father when it is so hard to live that life ourselves. My biggest problem with this is being to scared that I am going to be labeled as a hypocrite. I am not perfect and I am sure that everyone that I have come into contact with knows that I have definately gone through my own time of trying to find myself and the last person that I have shown them that I was looking to was upward to God. I have looked for satisfaction and self worth through just about every type of guy and even girl friend and have only realized through this how much I truly need anything BUT the things of this world. I have been trying to fill a void in my life for so long of just truly wanting to figure out who I am. With all of my experiences, The main thing that I have learned is that nothing in this world can define your self worth, Nothing can define who you are. It is not a thing, nothing tangible. It is a feeling. Something that only you can have for yourself. You can't even really rely on what others think of you. You can only think highly of yourself and know that you are doing the best you can and living for the one and only father in heaven.

Another part of finding out who you are is coming to the realization that people are not forgiving and are NOT going to change their opinion of you once they have made it. So there is absolutely no point in putting all of your eggs into deciding how others view you. You must have your own vision of yourself. Not only how you view yourself but a focused vision for your life. Where are you going? What do you want? What are you NOT going to settle for? Along with the previously stated hard lessions that I have learned this is one of the main ones. No matter how hard headed you are going to chose to be to the people around you, do not settle for things just to prove a point. There are people that I have let come into my life that I knew from the beginning were are terrible match for me. But chosing to be stubborn and not wanting others to think that I couldn't hadle myself, I set myself up for so much more heartache then one person should really be able to handle in a life time and there was no one that I could blame but myself.

I am starting a life changing regimine today. February 1, 2010. Making an outlined and clearly stated goal the plan for my life. Starting with God, reading his world with a purpose every single day. I have goals and dreams and I want this year to be different from any of the other 23 so far. The mistakes and Hurts that I have caused my own self and others are a thing of the past for me. I am making myself a woman of purpose and integrity so that everyone around me will see God shining through my life.

Here goes change. Scary, pure CHANGE
XO-C
2 Cron 7:14 "If my people will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways then I will hear them from heaven and forgive their sins and heal their land"

ok sooo the fast.

Wellllll,

When going through this fast I definately learned alot... and learned that fact i really don't know anything about myself at all. I have alot to learn. I love life really. But I just don't know what I am going to do. I lost my job through all of this... I'm ok with that because I have been praying about it and it didn't get started off the right way and my dad opened my eyes up recently to the fact that Integrity and Character are the most important things about a person and in the world of knowing someone. Nothing about that job started off like that.

There are things that I have also realized that need to be out of my life. Not to name names...but guys that do nothing but make you really sad on a daily basis, and girls that are nothing but trouble. I have truly learned that I should really take positive steps to making myself happy above anything else. and I will never be happy unless I am making God happy b/c he is the source of all happiness.

I need some romance in my life too...We will see where that goes.

But I have been hanging out with some new loves :)

Day uno

So I started the fast today. I feel great. (besides the fact that I'm starving) ha. But seriously. I would definatley recommend it. I can't wait to see what is going to come out of this intense time with God. And share it with all of you.

There are so many things that I am hoping to get out of this...My main goal however is purity. I want the purity of not only the body but mind, body, and spirit. I want my thoughts to be as pure as my actions. That is why I chose a fast. Cleansing the body and starting anew. I cannot wait to see what the Lord is going the show me in the next few weeks.

There are a few specifics that I would really like for him to speak to me. I just want to take this time to make sure that I am following his complete will for my life and not trying to do anythng on my own. I have definately learned the hard way that is NOT the way to go. Even if it works sometimes...the best results for your happiness and all over well being only lie in God's perfect plan. And in following other blogs i have recently been reminded that spending quiet time with him every day, just speaking to him and in his word is the only way to gain this wisdom. He will speak to you what he wants to you to speak to others, whether this be actually telling people or the way that you live your life. Hence finding out his will and plan. He will tell you how to live so that you may show his grace, mercy, and compassion to people through your words, actions and the way that you live your life.

"Whatever I tell you in the dark, speak in the light; and what you hear in the ear, preach on the housetops." - Matthew 10:27

Speak His will and wisdom at all time, everyday. With your mind, body, and spirit. ♥

...Starting something NEW

I'm really excited and scared all at the same time. I want to start something new. My new diet/workout. My fast. My God time. My friendships. Why did it take me so long to figure all of this out.

Its funny how things work out sometime and where things seem to take you. Now that I have had the relationship that I just had. I now know that I will never be able to settle. I don't know if it will be for that one, but it will be one just like it. You have someone with the total package. Amazing looks. God fearing. nice. Treats you amazingly but always puts God first. Talks to you about Gods things. It was alwasy so different to try and figure out where your conversations would go. But when I was frustrated, he always let me be and then just get over it without really getting mad too. Something that i have never had before.

So with reading that, I'm sure that you will see how I will never again settle for anything else.

Therefore, now that I have gotten my God focus back where it needs to be {{or am working on it daily}} I will now get my body and mind in the same place. I am striving for total purity. Purity in mind spirit and body. I have made many decisions in my quiet time today...I will not drink alcohol anymore. {a glass of wine here and there but nothing more and no beer}. I will not smoke anymore. anything. ever. I am going to start the 21 day fast today and I am fasting from coke {softdrinks} for 21 solid days. I am going to the store tomorrow to buy my vitamins and going to the gym after work everyday this week. Starting there.

I have the job of my dreams, an amazing family, and am finally learning how to be happy with nothing but myself.

Philipians 4:11-13 "I do not tell you this because I need anything. I have learned how to be satified with all things good or bad. I know how to live when I have plenty and when I have nothing. I have learned the secret of being happy in all things and in anything that happens. I have learned how to be happy when I have plenty to eat and when I am hungry and when I have nothing and when I have much. I can do anything through Christ, for he is my strength."

So this is my newness continued...

Funny how the more that I hang out or go back into my old ways the more that I realize how far I actually want to be from that.

God is AWESOME ♥

The NEW:NESS.

Soo, Its a new year and a new decade. What in the world is going to be in store for me? I could not even being to think about it. I thought that I already had everything figured out...quite a few times now. But you see me. Back in the same spot that I was.

Sometimes I just wonder what is going on in Gods great big head? Is he just trying to prove a point? That I can't do it without him. Obviously.

I didn't talk to ev today. I didn't even try to call him. suprising because I have every single day since he left. I am pretty sure that he will always be the biggest regret. You know how everyone has one of those. Not the ones that are bad...but always that one that got away. That I messed up.

Soooo what now. I mean don't get me wrong. I love my life. But I want the love in it. And I am trying to be patient. I want Gods perfect timing. And his perfect will... But sometimes I feel like it is never going to happen, or that maybe he doesn't even have that in his plan for me. I seem to get so attactched to every guy b/c it seems so right at the time... but so far it never works out the way that I plan. When I think about this in perspective I know that means that there is something better. But at the time, it freakin sucks. This last year I have been hear broken and hurt more times then I could even explain... and in the last 10 years, holy cow there are no words. So when is it all going to stop. When is there going to be something new?

Do you think it ever will, or is there a possibility that it has already come and gone and I either missed it or messed it up. Could that happen?

I watched a movie recently... it was talking about things being different.

If you always do what you've always done

Things will always be the way they've aways been

So how do you change what you have always done. When its the only way that you know? Will there be any NEW:NESS in this new year. In this new decade.

hmmmmmmm.