Thursday, December 24, 2009

If God is a god of second chances...why aren't we?

So in my midst of being in the most perfect relationship that could be possible. I made a huge mistake and got totally caught up in my attraction and let my lust for another strong christian take over. I admit this to you to ask a question...

When mistakes happen, or even almost happen, do you think that means that God wants you to delete that part of your life completely? There is no doubt in my mind that the Lord makes everything happen for a reason, and "makes everything come together for the good of those who worship Him." So with that being said, does that mean that things cannot be fixed?

The person that I was with seems to think not. I do not for the life of me understand this train of thought. Nothing was wrong with our relationship. We loved spending time together, we were getting to know each other and having a great time being around each other. The only thing that was wrong with this in any way was our overwhelming attraction for each other.

I really need some advice on this. He does not want to try and talk about anything or work anything out or in any way try and reconcile anything... But I have prayed and talked and read and totally given this whole situation up to God and no part of me at all feels like letting this go is the right thing to do. He was everything that I could have ever wanted in a man or a friend. Not to mention the kind that does everything that you could want and spoils the crap out of you to treat you like the princess that you are. We were bother overwhelmingly attracted to each other but I will take full responsibility for what happend between us.

I am trying to understand where he is coming from, saying that he does not feel like the Lord would be leading him in that direction or in that situation. But why would God be telling us two different things? Why would he be putting so heavily on my heart that there is nothing right about us not working on things and be telling him that there is nothing right about us trying to. What should I do in this situation. I don't want to let go. I don't think that there in any way that there is another man that could possibly be so perfect for me in my life. I know that if its not him then it is someone so much better for my plan that God has for me. But I feel such a strong tugging at my heart that letting this go and giving up is not right.

Has anyone out there been in this situation that could help or give me any advice? Any thing that I could say to make what I am trying to say more understood? I do not want to be manipulitive or try and argue or start a fight, I would just like for my feelings to be considerd in regards to the future of this/our situation...


Sunday, December 13, 2009

Church today was so awesome! We are finishing a series about Psalm 23 and today we did verse 6. Do you ever feel like sometimes you hear exactly what you need to hear to be right where you need to be? Verse 6 of this chapter tells us that SURELY His goodness and mercy will follow us all the days of our lives and the golry of the Lord will live in us FOREVER. Those two words are something that all girls want to hear. They want to be "sure" of something in their lives and for most of them that means a love. I have learned through my ministries and my own experiences that girls will do almost anything for that special someone to make sure that they will stay and to be sure of that relationship. In all honesty however, there is no certainty about anything. No one is going to be with you unfailingly because everyone has their own life to live and 9 times out of 10 what we think is right and perfect for us is not at all in God's perfect plan for us. Even as strong of a person as I think that I am at times, I want to feel that love that is unconditional and you know will never end... and I forget that nothing on earth is going to give me that satisfaction. The only sure thing in the world is not even in the world... it's GOD and GOD alone. Even if you find that in a person, they will eventually die and leave their earthly selves. So no matter how certain you think something is, it isn't.

Thinking of this message you could take it in a negative or a positive light. When you think that nothing is for sure no matter what you are looking for or how hard, it can be discouraging to think that you will always be searching for something that could never really happen. But if you have God as your Father and keeper of your heart, there is no reason for you to be even searching at all. You already have the certainty and security of never ever being alone living already in your heart. He is the only FOREVER. Even in death, the Bible says that to be absent of the body is to be present with God. And Heaven is for eternity. That is longer then FOREVER.

This is something that is extremly hard to grasp. Everyone, especailly girls want that tangible love and affection. But living this life is all about learning and as Christians we already have a love that is far more then anything that we could imagine a relationship with a human to be. When we learn to be unwaveringly satisfied with the love that God gives to us, he will bless us with the love of a person that is far more then we could have ever imagined for ourselves.

This will only happen when we are truely satisfied in the SURENESS and FOREVER of the perfect love of GOD.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Lay it down.

I have this amazing feeling right now. I am sitting in my room, quietly...having some one on one God time. I really have felt him with me lately. It almost just brought me to tears. Sitting here all alone and I can feel His arms around me. I can feel him telling me to Trust in Him. He is all I need.

So often I find myself feeling that I need to "hear" an answer or actually be able to see something for it to be real to me. Its FAITH. I have God, He is all I do and EVER WILL need. It's TRUST. Knowing that He is there and is always with me. I find my self running to my phone and needing someone to talk to, I hate feeling alone. But the truth is, I am never alone. God is always right beside me, always there to listen. I know this is such elementary stuff. But sometimes I just feel that every thing is crashing down around me. I feel that I had everything figured out and new where my life was about to take me. No suprises. But God is just full of them. I literally feel like He just said..."oh wait, you think you had it figured out without me. Ha"

I need to go back to the beginning. I need to learn how to fully just rely on Him. and His amazing words. I know that He has an answer for everything. Why do I take so much time to hurt and feel sorry for myself when I could be using that time to look to God and dig into His word and find all of the answers that I am looking for.

No more excuses.

I will live my life for my amazing Father. He can take it from here...

Monday, November 16, 2009

You are God and I am man...

...I leave it all in your hands.
I am slowly but surely moving along with my life. I think I have a date this week, and I had a really amazing date with God on Sunday. The pastor is preaching and going through each verse of Palm 23! It is so great and was exactly what I needed to hear. God is always there. Sometimes we just forget. But he will never leave. Guys some point or another. AlWaYs. God is AlWaYs there.

Sometimes that's all you need to hear!


Thursday, November 12, 2009


Soooooo... I finally got out of the house last night!

And I'm going out with some friends again tonight. This should be fun.
Trying to move on with your life is hard. But I can't wait to be happy with myself.
I don't want to feel like I have to have a guy to make myself happy.
All I need is God and myself. And my friends of course.
I love pink. I love big sunglasses. I love shopping. I love kisses & hugs. I love chocolate. I love zebra print. I love Christmas. I love stars and big flowers. I love God. I love nature.
Here's to being happy today! :)
James 1:2-4

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


Won't - stop!! grrrrr!!
I wanna be a designer-but I can't draw...
What to do What to do What to do.
I think I'm gonna move to my Grandma's in Dublin. Start a new life.
A new everything.

How To Start Over...

So, how do you just learn to let go and start over with your life when you feel that everything you thought was so perfect just seems to all fall apart at one time. I thought that I had everything so figured out and I knew the perfect plan and where my life was going, then all of the sudden out of no where, it is all taken out from under me. I feel like this is just a dream and everything will be ok, but then I wake up and realize that it is the same every single day. I don't know where to pick up and just start over. I try to just let it go and then I only make it half way through the day before I have to break down. Take a step back and start over. And to top it off, this whole day has been raining and dark and ugly. This doesn't help and it is making me so sad. I haven't gotten out of the bed all day. I am so tired of throwing myself this pitty party.

I am a good person. I have a good heart and I know that my life with end up in a god place. But what I don't know is how to make it get there. I put to much faith in other people. And I know that has been part of my problem in where I am right now. I have always had a boyfriend...and I put all of my faith and trust in them to take care of me. I have always put them before my friends and wanted to spend all of my time in their arms. And I know that this is why I am in this position today.

I need to find myself. I don't know where to get started. I want to put my life so far behind me. I want to just let go of my past and all the screwups and hurts and lost friends and loves that have gotten me to this point and just start over. How do I do this.

How do you just let yourself start over like nothing has ever gotten in your way before this point?