Wednesday, June 23, 2010


What do we as people think that we actually deserve? Out of life, love, circumstances...GOD? Why in that world do we think that we deserve anything? Compared to God and many other things for that matter, we as people are nothing. It doesn't really matter how much or how little we have to offer, none of it even matters in comparison. I find my self wanting things and asking God for things, I get frustrated like a little kid when I don't get an answer-and especially when his answer is no. But why do I even think I deserve an answer at all.

I know so many times in my life that I have just basically slapped God in the face. My body is supposed to be a temple that he lives in...and what I have given him is a run down shack. actually probably a few pieces of cardboard that I have put together so he can cover up his head. I can't even give him a descent place to dwell and I expect him to help me with things and provide for my life. WHAT?!!

I even need help loving him more. I want to start a fire. I want to be passionate about the time that I spend with him every day-like not be able wait to wake up so I can talk to him. I find myself always wanting a man and to be in love and loved unconditionally...I have that with God! I just chose not to think that it is enough. We could have such a love affair with Him if we just chose to. He is ALWAYS there, so we would never have to be lonely, He would never ignore our phone call, He could provide anything that we need, hold us when we go to sleep, be there to talk to about absolutely anything. We just have to let that be enough.

This is what I need to learn. He is all that I need. Until this is the way that I am living, I do not even derserve for him to know my name. He did so much for me before I even claimed him as my father and now that I do, I still act like he is not enough.

My prayer today Lord is to change me (once again I am asking for something) Change my heart God and even the way that I think. I shouldn't drink or put things in my body that are harmful and the only reason that I need is that its yours. Really it doesn't even belong to me! I wouldn't want people putting poison into the house that I live in. I would move out! Reveal something to be to tell me that you are still there. That you haven't given up on me yet, then set a fire in my heart and consume my soul.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Something blue:: Something new

Can you just become something new?

I want to change everything about what is going on with my life. I want to change everything from my wardrobe to my God time. I need to spend way more time with my God, maybe that is why I am having feelings like this. Why can I not just realize that he wants to spend every second of everyday with me and wants me to be so obsessed with him that its ridiculous. I know that I disappoint him everyday. I wine, I complain, I say things I shouldn't, I think mean thoughts, smoke, drink, don't many things that just need to change. I need to change my habits. I need to start taking my vitamins and getting up at a descent hour. Start working out consistantly and eating better and at better times.

I want to start a prayer journal and see if things really begin to look up in my life and how long it takes. I mean, don't get me life is not that bad. It just could be better and that is alll on me. The only reason its not at it's best is becuase of the choices that I make. I would be skinnier and happier if I didn't drink and made time to workout and took my vitamins like I was supposed to. And I would spend more time with my God if I woke up earlier and got things done. I also have the best friends in the world that know that the decisions in my life right now aren't the best ones that I could be making. Doing things for guys just to get their attention and wanting to hang out and feel needed at any means nessesary. Thats ridiculous.

I am however proud of what I am doing with my life and it can only get better from here. I made pretty good grades in school this term. They could have been better, but they are the best that they have been in a while. And I love my job and have been doing really well there. I am growing and taking on responsibilities...hopefully that will mean more money on my next paychecks- bringing me to the next issue...

Saving money. I wet through all of my savings within the last few months of not making the best paycchecks. I was still living like I was making a ton of money and I definately wasn't. Which also left no room for my tithe. Another thing that I was taking away from God.

Soooo these are the things that need to be changed. Fixed. and Removed.

Good thing I have amazing faith in my God and his love :)

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

What is Grace?

What is GRACE really? You hear through God's word that you have been saved by grace, not of anything that you can do yourself. But what does this mean. Is it simply God's love? And how many forms of grace are there.

When I think of the word grace, the verse Ephesians 2:8 comes to mind. It was a very significant tatoo on someones arm and is a passage that has stuck with me over the last year. You can only come to the Father through his GRACE. But how many forms does that take? And how does God show His unwavering grace to us?

The definition that I have found of "GRACE" is 1. Seemingly effortless beauty or charm of movement, form, or proportion. 2. A sense of fitness or 3. A temporary immunity or exemption.

So there are many ways that grace can be defined and seen in the world and in people. I feel like I am experiencing so much grace in my life right now through all of these way. There seems to be a beauty that cannot be explained in the people in my life and the shapes that situations are taking. Things are falling into place in a beautiful and effortless way. Thing are walking in, and out of my life and it is all happening as if I am in a dream. Sometimes I feel that I have no control over the way things are going, but then I look around and I don't really want to. I love that I feel that there is a higher power putting the puzzel of my life together just the way that he has it planned. I have learned from my mistakes and the times when I took the decision into my own hand, that it has turned out horribly and in no way that outcome that I had in my own mind. But when I know that the things at hand are out of my control and all I can do is sit back and watch my life unfold, there is an overwhelming sense of peace. This has been something extremly hard for me to learn, not only with life experiences but with guys, family, and probably every other aspect as well. But God has never ceased to show me the right way. And that his amazing grace is the only way that things will pull themselves together.

I also feel the grace through my friends and relationships that I have made. Being single is something that I have never really experienced until this last year. I was (yes that girl) that always had the boyfriend or the relationship and was always looking for the way to feel like I "belonged" and that usually had to mean to someone. God has shown me many things over this last year of being completely on my own though. 1. Friends are his gift to us. They show us and teach us things and give us advice that no other person in our life can do. You can have experiences with them that far outweigh anything that you could do with just one significant other. You can get a look into an intamate side of other peoples lives. 2. Everything (I mean ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING) happens for a reason. There is nothing in your life that doesn't teach you something, whether it be good or bad, you will learn from it. You learn who your friends are, you learn how to let go, you learn who will be there for you and how to be there for others, you learn how to be alone and be ok with who you are, and you learn how to move on. Sometimes you can feel like everything is going your way and nothing could be wrong with this...then the rug is pulled out from under you, maybe this is God saying you are ready for the hardwood floor :) You never know, things might come back around and be better then you could have ever dreamed about.

The last and most important from these definitions that I have found are the temporary immunity or exemption that God shows us. What in the world would we do if God judged us for every little thing that we did wrong. Our lives would be a constant termoil. He shows us this through our friends too, and our parents. There are times I know that I have hurt someones feelings or done something for myself not thinking of how it was going to make others feel. This are times when I have experiencd grace and forgivness. Just living life everyday for examply. The bible says that the penalty for our sins should be death. I would have been dead and age 1 when I told my mom that she couldn't tell me what to do..(not much has changed) But God took these penalties away from me and gave me life, to show his grace to me.

Through His GRACE, he gave us life, a life all our own. There is nothing the same about any of us and we are all here to learn from each other and help each other, to love to laugh, to teach, to preach, to open doors for ourselves and others and sometimes close them so that other ones can be opened for us. We should live each day thinking about the GRACE that we have been given and that we can give to others.

Forgive people. Love people. Change people